it’s been awhile.
Honestly, I thought I was going to delete this account, but I kept it around. I cleaned up the page a bit, have some short stories in the works, and hopefully my writing has improved while I’ve been throwing my efforts into school work.
Reading back on my older posts, I’m a little self conscious about things; mainly my writing, my actions, and my feelings at the time. There is an evolution on the blog that can be explained by that was happing in my life at the time these events took place. The darkest posts were earliest in it’s life, when I was sifting through some pretty dark baggage. As I worked my way in and out of depression, the posts lightened up.
As eluded to before, I was raped. This happened just prior to the creation of the blog. This writing wasn’t a conscious outlet for my struggle, but as I wrote about sexual encounters, it became clear that not only was this writing activity healing, I was also experiencing sex in an abnormal way. I don’t want to deny accountability for my reckless hook-ups, but there was a direct correlation between my sex drive before the rape (nonexistent) and my sex drive after (obsessive). It grosses me out to admit it, but I have had a seemingly contradictory reaction to rape, which it not unheard of or uncommon in victims. The reality of this all is that for every story I wrote about a romp, I’ve had about five more hook ups that I didn’t note in my journal.
Going through the learning curve of my sexcapades, I realize that I now take calculated risks when taking people home. It’s still by no means responsible, but I have my defenses up and my escape plans. Lately, they’ve been good experiences that I think back to fondly, because I do not have sex anymore unless I feel entirely comfortable with the person. Thinking back to those darker times just makes me feel icky. When I have sex nowadays, it’s a want, not an impulse, and thats the big difference.
I had my cards read by a psychic and she told me that I am finally secure with my past, that I hold no baggage, and that all that is behind me is more or less finished. She is right. I have never felt more sure about anything in my life.
The stories that will be shared will be a mixed bag of older writings I haven’t posted, newer writings about things I’m recollecting on, and my evolution through this healing process. Time to celebrate the renaissance.